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  #3476  
Old 09-09-2017, 13:01
phill rose's Avatar
phill rose phill rose is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

I would have changed the queens bubble slightly, but would not wish to offend anyone...........
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  #3477  
Old 10-09-2017, 11:56
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,960
Default Re: Funnies??

Phill - 0h dear.oh Lor' ...... thank you for this latest contribution!

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
*
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.
“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie.*
Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey*or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’
So, boys, here I am!”

Edna
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  #3478  
Old 10-09-2017, 23:10
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ocala Florida
Posts: 1,175
Default Re: Funnies??

From the jaws of Irma.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.”
“ Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
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Barry
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  #3479  
Old 11-09-2017, 12:06
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you,Barry oh yes, chuckles!

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the woman it belonged to didn't have any change for a reward."

Edna
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  #3480  
Old 12-09-2017, 10:53
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

A Tuesday special .........

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
*
"In*front of you?" He asks*shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't*laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.*In*over twenty years I've never laughed at a*patient.”
"Okay *then," said the patient, and he proceeded to *drop *his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest *adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.*
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And*then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. *Feeling very badly*that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well*as she could.*
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On*my honor*as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.*Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.*

Edna
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  #3481  
Old 12-09-2017, 15:39
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ocala Florida
Posts: 1,175
Default Re: Funnies??

First the Apple

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too!

Men will never learn!


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t
wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy Birthday, boss.”
I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch, and invited me to her apartment. We went there and
she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes
later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling,
“SURPRISE!!!” while I was sitting on the sofa naked.

So, how was your week...?
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Barry
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  #3482  
Old 13-09-2017, 11:16
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,960
Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you Barry - food for thought!

We all know about Murphy's Law, don't we? Well, now ..............

MURPHY'S OTHER 14 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Edna
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  #3483  
Old 14-09-2017, 11:02
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

I am not sure about this ..................

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.*
*
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."*
"What do you mean?"*
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.*
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."*
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"*
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Edna
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  #3484  
Old 15-09-2017, 14:04
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,960
Default Re: Funnies??

Another peculiarity ................

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Edna
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  #3485  
Old 16-09-2017, 10:10
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,960
Default Re: Funnies??

Ah, Saturday - draw breath !

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other lethal creatures.
*
The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them three wishes.*
Nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and partying.
Suddenly, there was a big splash. The host looked and saw a man swimming for his life across the tank. Thankfully, he made it across in one piece.*
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright - you made it! WOW! What are your three wishes?"
The man replied: "First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give it to me. Second, see those bullets over there? Give them to me too. Third, show me the jerk that pushed me in."

Edna
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  #3486  
Old 17-09-2017, 12:09
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

Sunday - better the day, better the deed ..............

Don't Leave Bridalwear Shopping to Mom, Okay?
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
*
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute,*so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.*

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.*

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"*
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

Edna
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  #3487  
Old 18-09-2017, 11:27
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Start the week well ..............

It sounded a bit familiar, but ............

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Edna
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  #3488  
Old 19-09-2017, 08:19
yzxy yzxy is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 4
Default Re: Funnies??

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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  #3489  
Old 19-09-2017, 08:39
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Marius_B Marius_B is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: East Midlands, England.
Posts: 128
Default Re: Funnies??

Brilliant stuff from all, I'm a regular here!
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  #3490  
Old 19-09-2017, 12:05
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

Welcome and thank you, shipmates.

Try this one for size .........

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.*
*
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.*
Onlookers were completely shocked at the men's behavior, but the old man didn't seem to be fazed in the slightest.
Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner.*
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"*
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Edna
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  #3491  
Old 22-09-2017, 13:05
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al1934 al1934 is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Torquay, Devon, England
Posts: 509
Default Re: Funnies??

Yes, it's that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious WINNER:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, CA would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine. He submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a Chicago blizzard. He returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff those patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash and fled, leaving his $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.. $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided to throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. He heaved the block over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 6 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the robber ordered onion rings. The clerk said those weren't available on the breakfast menu. The robber, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. A man attempted to siphon gas from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose. He got more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gas, but he plugged his siphon hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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  #3492  
Old Yesterday, 11:53
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks very much, Alick, a good weekend read !

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"*
*
"Well, yes, I did once."*
"And how did she look?"*
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"*

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"*
"She was watching us through the window."

Edna
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