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  #3276  
Old 17-04-2017, 16:19
limeybiker's Avatar
limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Location: Ocala Florida
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Default Re: Funnies??

Nesting Falcon

This photo of a nesting Falcon in an old tree is the
most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen.

Please send this to most of your older friends, since the younger
ones probably have never seen a Falcon, and wouldn't recognize it.

http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
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  #3277  
Old 18-04-2017, 10:56
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Barry, that's a funny and a half - thank you!

Now,a little different ...............

This Bar Offers Super Cheap Food and Drinks
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender*and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Edna
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  #3278  
Old 21-04-2017, 10:40
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Let's get ourselves back together ........

Joke: Hello from the Other Side
Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"Benny...Benny..."

"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". 


"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Edna
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  #3279  
Old 22-04-2017, 09:57
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quiet weekend ?

Jokes About Getting Older

There's no joke like an old joke, and these are jokes about being old. Everyone knows that seniors have the best sense of humor. They've seen a lot more than most, and they know that at the end of the day, there's nothing better than family, friends and laughter!
*
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me.'*
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.*
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewed a 104-year-old woman.*
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.*
'No peer pressure.'

Edna
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  #3280  
Old 23-04-2017, 11:44
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

One of my knitting friends has sent me the following:-

Here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....
Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Really ? ? ?

Edna
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  #3281  
Old 24-04-2017, 11:46
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Am I ploughing a lonely furrow ?

What Do I Look Like to You, Honey?

A married*couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.*
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a*handyman. He*said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake*or sleep with him."
"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you*make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"

Edna
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  #3282  
Old 24-04-2017, 12:06
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Marius_B Marius_B is offline
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Thumbs up Re: Funnies??

Some great 'uns here!! Keep them coming.
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  #3283  
Old 24-04-2017, 12:46
johnny07 johnny07 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A zebra died and when he arrived at the pearly gates he said to St. Peter please help me with something that has worried me all my life. Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes. Only God can answer that so you will have to ask him. When he found God he asked him the same question to which God replied you are what you are. The zebra went back to the gates and informed St. Peter what Gods answer was. Well there you are you are white.
Why is that said the zebra, well if you were black God would have said you is what you is.
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  #3284  
Old 25-04-2017, 10:34
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Marius, Welcome, come again - and Johnny, I don't believe it ...............

“Lexophilia " is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Edna
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  #3285  
Old 26-04-2017, 10:21
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

“Lexophilia " is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." - here, a few more .........

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Give someone an inch and they might think they're a ruler.

And the cream of the twisted crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Edna
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  #3286  
Old 27-04-2017, 10:23
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Couldn't resist this one .....

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
“Congratulations on your new location!”

Edna
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  #3287  
Old 27-04-2017, 13:29
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Apologies if we have had this before, I know I have, but it is still funny and appropriate to our Forum.

A young Naval officer was severely wounded in the head by a flight deck
accident, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears
were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in
the Navy.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Rear Admiral. He was,
however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates
for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Marine Major, a helicopter pilot, and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, 'Do you
notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that
you have no ears.'
The Admiral was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The Admiral
then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about
me?'

He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The Admiral also
threw him out.

The third interview was with an old Master Chief, an Airdale and
staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed
to know more than the two officers combined. The Admiral liked this
guy, and went ahead with the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?'

To his surprise the Master Chief said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The Admiral was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant
NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, Master Chief, how do you
know I wear contacts?'

Well, sir,' the salty old Master Chief replied, "it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no ears!
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  #3288  
Old 27-04-2017, 21:10
johnny07 johnny07 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A man was walking past a house when he saw a sign Talking dog for sale.
He went up to the house to ask about the dog and the owner told him it was in the garden and to go and see it if he wanted to. The man went into the garden where he saw a little Jack Russel. Can you really talk he said,yes I can said the dog, so tell me your story he said. Well I realised that I could talk when I was very young and I wanted to help the government so I joined the SAS. I was sent all over the world sitting in with spies, government leaders and heads of state as no one would think that a dog would understand what they were saying. This was very exhausting work and I had to give it up after 8 years.
I retired from the special forces with loads of medals and became a civilian.
I soon got bored and joined the security staff at Heathrow Airport as a sniffer dog. I was involved in many arrests over the years locating drugs and guns and explosives. I was getting old so I retired for good, had a couple of puppies and settled down. The man was so impressed he offered to buy the dog right away. How much do you want for him he said. Ten pounds said the owner. Ten pounds, why are you letting him go so cheaply, he's amazing.
No he isn't said the owner, he's a lying little bastard who's never even been outside the garden.
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  #3289  
Old 29-04-2017, 11:09
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks, shipmates; we never know what the world holds ...........

Something for Saturday ............

I learn something everyday!

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings.”

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?”

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

Edna
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  #3290  
Old 30-04-2017, 11:55
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Something a little different ..........

A man owned a small ranch in Montana.
The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
*
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board."*
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said*the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Edna
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  #3291  
Old 30-04-2017, 20:01
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Goodwyn, but we have some information about your wife,".

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Goodwyn asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Goodwyn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Goodwyn. What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobster’s that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Goodwyn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"





The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
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  #3292  
Old 01-05-2017, 11:46
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Wow ! Barry, words fail me !

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was*lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
*
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body.
He put*the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.

When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Edna
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  #3293  
Old 02-05-2017, 09:56
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Well now .........

---IF WOMEN ONLY TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS!!!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

Edna
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  #3294  
Old 03-05-2017, 10:41
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Two for the price of one ........


In my job with a credit union, I often run across accounts that are protected by password.
The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller.
Recently, when I asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied, "Save."
I was puzzled until she explained, "My husband put in that password so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."
--------
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En-route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Edna
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  #3295  
Old 04-05-2017, 11:25
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Must keep the flag flying .............

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that it had never been occupied; there was plenty of heat; and it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the remainder of the agreed rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Edna
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  #3296  
Old 05-05-2017, 13:53
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

And another one, this for the weekend ........

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom, and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured: Judy and I are strictly room-mates."
*
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: *
Dear Mom, while I’m not saying you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you "didn’t" take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son.

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother, which read:
Dear John, *While I am not saying you "do" sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you "don’t" sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom.

Edna
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  #3297  
Old 06-05-2017, 09:35
yzxy yzxy is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

What's hard and pink in the morning?
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Financial Times Crossword of course. now, what WERE you thinking.
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  #3298  
Old 06-05-2017, 11:04
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, very educational ...........

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor goes over*his history and does his physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL sees no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines*too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. *"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"*"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

Edna
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  #3299  
Old 07-05-2017, 11:39
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Something different for Sunday ? .................

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.* Through his tears, the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22-year-old woman."
"Well, what's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.* "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears: "I can't remember where I live!"

Edna
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  #3300  
Old 08-05-2017, 11:02
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

New week, new message ..............

Who Is Marylou?
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "Ow! What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologized and did some work around the house. *
Three days later, he’s sitting in his chair again, reading the newspaper. She whacks him with the frying pan once again, this time even harder than she did before.
Man: "OW!! What was that for this time?"
"Your horse just called."

Edna
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