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  #3226  
Old 16-03-2017, 14:13
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry!

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN STEAK

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for steak and the bill for all ten comes to $100...

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
...The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men ate at the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily steak by $20". Steaks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from every body's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to eat his steak.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But, once outside the restraunt, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up at the restaurant, so the nine sat down and had their steaks without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start eating overseas, as many are considering where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.




How soon can I go home?


You can do your bit by remembering to send this email to an unstable friend. I’ve done my part!
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  #3227  
Old 17-03-2017, 13:45
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Barry, thank you for the exposition !

The Elderly Golfer:
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER..................$2.50
HAMBURGER...............$3.50
CHEESEBURGER.........$4.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH..$4.75
HAND JOB................$150.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the Elderly Golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Edna
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  #3228  
Old 17-03-2017, 22:03
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Evelyn.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.. !'

While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.

She said, " Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later.”

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them if so". Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very, very persuasive.

Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now,

but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
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  #3229  
Old 18-03-2017, 11:09
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Oh, my goodness, thank you Barry.

Something different for the weekend .....................

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor.
"What can I do for you?" Said the Pope.
The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.
After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again.
After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replied, "Let me get back to yo
So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoiced at the news.
Then one asked about the bad news.
The Pope replied:
"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Edna
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  #3230  
Old 18-03-2017, 19:02
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Golf Club

Bairnsdale golf club didn’t allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.

The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women’s league and became active. After about six months, the club board received a letter from the women’s league complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another six months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.

After due deliberation, the board sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.
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  #3231  
Old 19-03-2017, 11:14
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Barry, oh dear, oh Lor', whatever next ! Thank you.

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.*
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"*
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me."
"So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly.
"So I don't want to remind him!"

Edna
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  #3232  
Old 20-03-2017, 11:54
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Let's start the week with something very different ..............

A principal of a small middle-school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.
Though he was a rather stern disciplinarian and a bit of an old fuddy-duddy, he was not primarily concerned with issues of modesty and innocence. Rather, for some reason, when applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints, like so...
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they gathered at 2pm, they found the principal and the school janitor waiting for them.*
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the janitor to clean the mirror every night.
He said he felt that the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was, and therefore he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The janitor then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Edna
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  #3233  
Old 21-03-2017, 09:38
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

There are days when ..................

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant business...woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.

What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Edna
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  #3234  
Old 21-03-2017, 14:36
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Two old guys, one 84 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench.


The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 84 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 84 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it! Everybody knows about this but me."
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  #3235  
Old 22-03-2017, 10:28
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you Barry, but ......................... ! ! !

One morning, a young nun woke up, got out of bed, and dressed for the day ahead. She then left her room and headed downstairs for breakfast.*
As she walked down a corridor, she passed two older nuns, one of whom said: "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning."*
The two older nuns then walked away giggling. The young nun was puzzled by this, but shrugged it off and carried on.*
She then passed another older nun who also said: "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning." before walking away giggling.*
As the young nun continued to make her way down to the dinner hall, she kept on passing her fellow sisters, all of whom made the same: ‘You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning’ comment and walked away laughing.*
By the time the young nun got to the dinner hall she was so livid she bumped into the Mother Superior in the doorway.**
The Mother Superior was just about to open her mouth to say something before the younger nun cut in, saying: "Don't tell me, ‘I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning’!"*
The Mother Superior shrugged and then said:
"I wasn't going to say that. I was going to ask, what are you doing with the bishop's shoes on?"

Edna
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  #3236  
Old 25-03-2017, 08:01
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alexrad alexrad is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Bob.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see", said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bob replied: ".............. Wrong room ..."
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  #3237  
Old 25-03-2017, 09:51
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, Alex, that really is a corker!

Something a little different, now?

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when - in his excitement - his car went out of control and crashed into an oak tree.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side with the warm grin he'd known since childhood.
He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied:
 "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself: "Oh no, what has he done now?" 
And he said with trepidation: "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied: "I named the little girl Denise."
 The husband, relieved, said: "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" 
"Denephew," the brother replied.

Edna
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  #3238  
Old 26-03-2017, 11:19
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Something light on Sunday .............

The weight Machine

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine.

She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.

Out came a card that said: “You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas”.

And, Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind.

Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.

After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read “you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you.”

After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him.

As her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged.

Once done with being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime.

She shimmied over to the machine and put it in.

Again, a little card popped out that said …..
“U STILL WEIGH 126 POUNDS AND WHILE U WERE F**TING AND FOOLING AROUND ….
……………………………………. U MISSED UR BUS !!”

Edna
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  #3239  
Old 27-03-2017, 10:54
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Back to the blondes ...........

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.*
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"*
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."*
"No, from skipping."

Edna
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  #3240  
Old 28-03-2017, 10:37
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

And now, the elderly ................

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.*
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".*
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.*
She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said: "We've got to give it back". She said, "Finders keepers" and put*the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.*
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocked on the door and said: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She said: "No."
The husband said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: "We're outta here!"

Edna
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  #3241  
Old 28-03-2017, 20:04
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Three guys were working up on a mobile phone tower: Cooter,
Ray and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower
and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ray says, 'Well,
shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive
stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of
Budweiser.
Ray says,
'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's
wife gave it to me,' Ray replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of
beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the
door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow.' Then I
said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are...'
Some guys are good at that sensitive stuff.
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  #3242  
Old 29-03-2017, 09:56
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Barry, well, well, well ..... Thank you

Old Lady and young gunslinger

An old woman walked up and tied her mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance — never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off — started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double- barreled shot gun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the clicks too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s a***?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No m’am, but I’ve always wanted to.”

Edna
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  #3243  
Old 30-03-2017, 11:07
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Now is the time to concentrate ...............

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'

(For those of you who are old enough ...........)

Edna
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  #3244  
Old 30-03-2017, 19:32
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barracuda barracuda is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Ha ha. Should have seen it coming, Edna but didn't. The previous ones were funny too.

Peter
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  #3245  
Old 31-03-2017, 16:17
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you Peter, and welcome! Glad you enjoyed the tippets = Are you going to tell us a little story, please ?

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day.
Next day he says : Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……"

Have a laugh, laughter is the best medicine...Pass it on..

Edna
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  #3246  
Old 01-04-2017, 10:38
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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As you will have lots of spare time over the weekend .................

To: The Social Security Commissioner
*
Dear Commissioner,
My name is Charles Wright and I live on First Street. I would like to present before you the following story:
*'Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father came to visit a number of times, and suddenly he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Charles Wright

Edna
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  #3247  
Old 02-04-2017, 09:33
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alexrad alexrad is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer".
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  #3248  
Old 02-04-2017, 11:31
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Alex, I love it, thank you!

British-airways

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!”

Edna
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  #3249  
Old 02-04-2017, 18:20
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A LOVE STORY FOR GOLFER A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says,
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
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Barry
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Old 02-04-2017, 18:50
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barracuda barracuda is offline
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Location: Chesterfield
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Default Re: Funnies??

A teacher was questioning her young class about the food they eat.

"What do we get from a chicken?"

"Eggs, Miss," the kids responded.

"...and what do we get from a pig?"

"Bacon and pork, Miss!" they shouted back.

"Well done children. And finally, what do we get from a cow?"

"Homework, Miss!"

Last edited by barracuda : 02-04-2017 at 18:50. Reason: typo
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