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  #3576  
Old 05-12-2017, 12:29
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Must keep up to date ............. and be very PC ...............

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.*
You know how sometimes you just get so*stressed that little things seem funny?*
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a dwarf!*
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'*
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Edna
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  #3577  
Old 06-12-2017, 05:49
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BlackBat242 BlackBat242 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ednamay View Post
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'*
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Edna
Grumpy, of course!
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  #3578  
Old 06-12-2017, 12:14
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, BlackBat ! All comments appreciated !

Now, a different driver ...............

A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

Edna
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  #3579  
Old 07-12-2017, 12:17
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

All ready for Friday ..............

It seems familiar, though I don't think we have had it before - if we have, think Senior Moment !

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
*
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck*up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiled, put*a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"

Edna
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  #3580  
Old 08-12-2017, 16:19
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Make haste ? ? ?

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
*
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.*
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.*
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

Edna
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  #3581  
Old 09-12-2017, 12:02
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

This is just as it came to me from a knitting friend in USA ..........

"Please don't get your knickers in a knot over this, all that does is make you walk funny.

AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And.....
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles"

Edna
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  #3582  
Old 10-12-2017, 06:57
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BlackBat242 BlackBat242 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ednamay View Post
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles"

Edna
No - most of the top-level people in Washington used to play marbles - but have long since lost all of them.
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  #3583  
Old 10-12-2017, 12:37
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackBat242 View Post
No - most of the top-level people in Washington used to play marbles - but have long since lost all of them.
Thank you, BlackBat, I like it ! Sounds very logical !
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  #3584  
Old 10-12-2017, 17:12
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jbryce1437 jbryce1437 is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

The old jokes are the best:

A duck walks into a bar.
"Got any bread?"
"No"


"Got any bread?"
"No"


"Got any bread?"
"No...and if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar"


"Got any nails?"
"No"



"Got any bread?"
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  #3585  
Old 11-12-2017, 12:06
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, Jim, much appreciated !

Now, Different animals ? ?

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to SeaWorld.”
Or at least he thought it was simple!

Edna
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  #3586  
Old 13-12-2017, 11:39
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Education ? ? ?

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, their insight might surprise you:

1. Don’t change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

Edna
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  #3587  
Old 14-12-2017, 11:31
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Staggering onwards ...................

Get Out of My Bar . . . . . .

There was once a woman who was in a bar, terribly drunk.

The bartender noticed this, and when she asked for another beer, the bartender politely told her that she was too drunk to be served another drink.

The woman leaves.

She walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer.

A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.

The woman leaves.

She then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.

The bartender is annoyed, and tells the woman she is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar.

She leaves.

She then comes in the back door, comes to the bartender, and before she can say a word, the bartender explodes at her.

“I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!”

Disgruntled, the woman looks at the bartender and asks, “Man, how many bars do you work at?”

Edna
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  #3588  
Old Yesterday, 11:11
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

This sounds familiar, so we may have had it before - if so, apologies !

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b*****d………... He's never been out of the garden!"

Edna
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