Midweek Mayhem ..............
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
In these increasingly cold dark days, I need the occasional funny to keep up the spirits (did I really say Up Spirits ? ) ..................
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
usual, when Patrick Flanagan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Patrick. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Patrick.
"How did it happen, Patrick?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Patrick. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that
preaching to people isn't really all that hard, so a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another,
and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came
together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.. Well, he said,
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that
bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother
of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we
came to a creek.. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
T he Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start......"
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Thank you Barry, still chuckling.
Something questionable ? ?
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.
Then, he noticed another couple over behind a tree.
There was yet another couple doing the nasty behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel. Do you want to get in on the action, honey?" asked the madam.
"Nah. I’m good thanks,” he replied, “but I was just wondering what the heck is going on out here on the lawn.”
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today," said the madam.
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,’ the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Well, now, what does she get in her school tests ............ Thank you, Barry
The Holy Path ..........
Have You Heard This One? The Test of Heaven
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly*gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of*lights and bells.*St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. *
St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the*garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve."
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly*gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple."
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly*gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed...
Not sure this is suitable or Sunday ........
Only the Irish have Jokes Like This .........
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
News from school:-
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
Another one from one of my (Australian) friends.
I would feel extreme sympathy for the poor cat!!!
If you don’t laugh at this one, you're not breathing...
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
''Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
A little bit naughty ?
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.*
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.*
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a delicate matter.**
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on*and on about his youthful beauty!*
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"*
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks."
A farmer named Big John was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
John looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with e-mail on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Big John.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Big John says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?"
“You're an EU politician” says BJ! “Wow! That's correct,"says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required." answered the farmer; You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know shit about how working people make a living or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
Old Ships: Raleigh 1963, Collingwood 63, Ark Royal 64, Collingwood 67, Undaunted 68, Porstmouth FMG 70, Exmouth 72, Victory 1974 as JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL. Then 28 years in the Fire Service
as this is a Naval Forum, I'll try to turn back somewhat to naval jokes.
Here's one I got to know while serving a short exchange tour on the at that time already aged HMS Andrew https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HMS_Andrew_(P423) in 1974.
In a RN sub, a new watch officer straight from submarine school has joined the crew. He knows it all.
One of the sailors working the diving planes is a true cockney.
The boat leaves port and the new officer gives for his first time the order to dive.
The cockney sailor looks up into the tower and sees a patch of blue sky ...
.. and turns to the watch officer and says :
GOTCHER HUMBRELLER CHUM HITS GOON TO BE HA RAAINI DAAI.
Thank you Jim and Urs, and Urs, welcome to our "school" of jokers!
Apologies in advance ! ! ! Read on ..............
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.*Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.*
One day, while the boy was away at*school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible,*a silver dollar,*a bottle of Jack Daniels,*and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself,*'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!*'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too.*'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.*'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading*for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With*curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror,*'He’s going to be the next president !
Something different ?
A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.*
All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking... They*are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me," he groans to his wife.*
The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.*
Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"*
"Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."*
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly.
"No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."