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  #3301  
Old 09-05-2017, 10:16
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Let us look a little wider ...............

Understanding Engineers #1:
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Edna
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  #3302  
Old 10-05-2017, 00:12
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!

I Just Realized Something:
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~


MY dog is a Member of Parliament!!!
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Barry
<>
Sunny Ocala FLA USA
http://www.barrylockyer.com/





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  #3303  
Old 10-05-2017, 10:42
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Barry - are you thinking of our elections ? ...................

for those of us getting older .............

SENIORS & COMPUTERS
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:............................................. ID10T
I used to like Eric, now I don't.

Edna
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  #3304  
Old 11-05-2017, 10:59
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

One day just like another ?

Behaving In Real Life As One Does On Facebook
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
*
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had*done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:*
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.*

Edna
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  #3305  
Old 11-05-2017, 15:02
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Location: Ocala Florida
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Default Re: Funnies??

As an IT geek, the ID10T joke is my favourite, most people take it in good heart, quite a few especially the men get offended.
We are off on a 30 day Cruise and land tour tomorrow, on the left hand side, two weeks on the Norwegian Sun to Alaska and then two weeks visiting old oppos kids and family, in Oregon and Wasington State, so no funnies for a while, Y'All behave now Ya hear.

SCHOOL - 1950s v 2016


Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2016 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark and charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2016 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD result deemed to be positive.

Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2016 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, passes exams and becomes a solicitor.

2016 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin and blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2016- Police and
Anti-Terrorism Squad called.

Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2016 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up queer.

--------------------------
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Barry
<>
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http://www.barrylockyer.com/





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  #3306  
Old 11-05-2017, 18:43
Scatari Scatari is online now
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Location: Gatineau, Quebec, Canada
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by limeybiker View Post

SCHOOL - 1950s v 2016
Very sad - but so very true.

Have a great holiday.
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  #3307  
Old 11-05-2017, 21:47
yzxy yzxy is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump
but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.

After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential
commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order.

There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are spitting on the wrong side.
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  #3308  
Old 12-05-2017, 14:15
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Shipmates, you surpass yourselves! Thank you

Now to continue from our first ..........

Understanding Engineers #2:

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why the hell can't they play at night?"

Edna
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  #3309  
Old 13-05-2017, 11:00
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

More engineers ?

Understanding Engineers #4:

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5:

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Edna
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  #3310  
Old 14-05-2017, 08:10
yzxy yzxy is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A woman goes into the sports Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Shop assistant is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50!”
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  #3311  
Old 17-05-2017, 14:42
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Sorry, shipmates, we have been offline for three days for whatever reason ... now we are back! Thanks for your contriutions

Now, a few more engineers ......

Understanding Engineers #6:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7:

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Edna
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  #3312  
Old 18-05-2017, 10:46
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

And finally:

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

I hope you enjoyed reading them!

Edna
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  #3313  
Old 19-05-2017, 18:50
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Shipmates, this one seemed familiar, don't think I have posted it before, if so - apologies!

General Motors, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that bloody slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "That was the*pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Edna
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  #3314  
Old 20-05-2017, 11:01
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

This one tickled my funnybone -

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.

When his dog sadly died,*Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say*Mass for the poor creature?"
*
Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church.*But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in -*maybe they'll do something for your pet."
*
Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"
*
"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"

Edna
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  #3315  
Old 21-05-2017, 11:28
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Hope I am not talking to myself?!

When You're a Pharmacist, You Get Some Odd Requests

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.*
*
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."*So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"*

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.*

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"*

Edna
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  #3316  
Old 21-05-2017, 15:17
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jbryce1437 jbryce1437 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ednamay View Post
Hope I am not talking to myself?!

Edna
No, we are still tuned in Edna

Jim
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  #3317  
Old 21-05-2017, 15:23
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JackW1208 JackW1208 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

We're still here, Edna.

Following for testing purposes only:

Beginners Mensa
Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
.....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
......What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
.....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
.....is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
......How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
.....Why not?

8. What was the President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
.....and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
......how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?


?
?
?
?



Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump [Oh, come on ... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many
haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last edited by JackW1208 : 21-05-2017 at 17:17. Reason: Corrected answer to #8
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  #3318  
Old Yesterday, 11:41
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Jim - thanks! And Jack, you are trying to confuse us - thank you !

Seniors ? ! ! !

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .

Edna
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  #3319  
Old Today, 07:33
yzxy yzxy is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

‘I’m 90 years old, ‘ he says. ‘90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’ ‘Oh, sorry, ‘ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
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  #3320  
Old Today, 11:24
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, yzxy, another little chuckle

Job security
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked Joe.
"About $5,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

Edna
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