World Naval Ships Forums  
VIEW ALL OF OUR CURRENT SPECIAL OFFERS HERE!

Go Back   World Naval Ships Forums > Shore Leave > Shore Leave
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Shore Leave Off topic discussion and general chat.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #3351  
Old 19-06-2017, 10:50
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
Vice-Admiral
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,930
Default Re: Funnies??

Barry, I love it - thank you!

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."*
*
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.*

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.*

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"*

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."*

Edna
Reply With Quote
  #3352  
Old 20-06-2017, 10:18
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
Vice-Admiral
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,930
Default Re: Funnies??

Another mixed nationalities ...........

Technological Inadequacy...
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.*
*
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.*
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."*
A few minutes later a phone rang.*
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
"It appears that you've got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there," pointed the amused American.
"Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!" Declared the Irishman.*

Edna
Reply With Quote
  #3353  
Old 20-06-2017, 14:58
limeybiker's Avatar
limeybiker limeybiker is offline
Rear-Admiral
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ocala Florida
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Funnies??

Bumper Stickers for Seniors

Cremation: Think Outside the Box


I'm Retired - I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.


When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now, I don't care about the W.


I'm in the initial stages of my golden years -- SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP ..


We got married for better or worse. He couldn't do any better; I couldn't do any worse.


I was always taught to respect my elders. Now, I don't have anyone to respect.


I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs? She said "Depends."


Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!


I'm so old ... I don't buy green bananas.


That Snap, Crackle, Pop in the morning ... ain't my freaking Rice Krispies!


Sometimes I wake up grumpy ... and some days I let him/her sleep.


Campbell's Alphabet Soup for Seniors - New Large Type.


The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.


I'm not old ... I'm Chronologically gifted.


Florida? God's Waiting Room.


I'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.


And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time!!!
__________________
Ride safe
Barry
<>
Sunny Ocala FLA USA
http://www.barrylockyer.com/





Reply With Quote
  #3354  
Old 21-06-2017, 10:43
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
Vice-Admiral
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,930
Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks for the warnings, Barry!

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.*
*
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery.*
The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large."*
Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.*
The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected.*
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.*
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Edna
Reply With Quote
  #3355  
Old 22-06-2017, 10:55
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
Vice-Admiral
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,930
Default Re: Funnies??

Came across this while surfing, thought people might enjoy it, apologies for the length but - is it worthwhile ? !

Old Guys Make the Best Soldiers!

When one pensioner's military application gets rejected on the grounds of being too old, he gets really, really mad! He comes up with a million hilarious reasons why older guys make much better soldiers than younger ones. Read his story below, and try your best to contain your laughter!
*
I'm a pensioner and the armed forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists.

If you're over 42, then you can't join the military. They're got their whole system backwards!

Instead of sending 18-year-olds to war zones, they should take us old guys. They shouldn't let you join the military until you're at least 35!

18-year-olds have been proven to think about sex every 10 seconds, while pensioners only*think about it once or twice a month.

This leaves us an extra 280,000 seconds per day to focus on the enemy.
Young soldiers don't have enough life experience to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a terrifying soldier! 'I'm tired and hungry, my back hurts, I can't sleep! Aaaargh!'

We're impatient and bad-tempered, so perhaps letting us kill some jerk who desperately deserves it will cheer us up and keep us quiet!

18-year-olds never usually get up before 10am. Old guys always wake up early to pee!

Besides, like I've already said, since I can't get to sleep, I may as well be off killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch!

If they capture us we'd never spill the beans, because we wouldn't remember where we put them. Name, rank, and serial number would be a huge brainteaser!

Old guys would ace boot camp! We're used to people yelling at us, and we're accustomed to eating soft food.
*
We also have a deep appreciation of*firearms. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get away from all of the yelling!

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, though. I've been in combat, but I've never come across a 20-foot wall with ropes hanging over either side!

They can probably get rid of the running part as well. I've never seen anybody outrun a bullet!

18-year-olds have*their*whole lives*ahead of them. They*should still be learning how to shave, and how to talk to pretty girls.

They still haven't even figured out how to properly wear a baseball cap!

These are all good reasons why we should keep our kids at home.*Let us old guys track terrorists down!

No enemy wants to see a couple million hacked off old farts, with automatic weapons and bad attitudes, who know that their best years are behind them!

Edna
Reply With Quote
  #3356  
Old 23-06-2017, 14:59
jbryce1437's Avatar
jbryce1437 jbryce1437 is offline
Forum Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Roker, Sunderland, England
Posts: 8,539
Default Re: Funnies??

Still on the theme of old guys being the best soldiers:

During the second world war, my dear old grandad was dropped by parachute into France. He had to wear a floppy hat, a smock and carry a crook. Parachuted with him was a small flock of sheep!!!
Grandads job was to repeatedly drive the sheep behind enemy lines, and, by using a small radio, report direct to the War Office on all German troop and tank movements.



My old grandad was brilliant at his job. So much so that Winston Churchill himself said that he was the finest SHEPHERD SPY he had ever had.

Jim
__________________
Old Ships: Raleigh 1963, Collingwood 63, Ark Royal 64, Collingwood 67, Undaunted 68, Porstmouth FMG 70, Exmouth 72, Victory 1974 as JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL. Then 28 years in the Fire Service
Reply With Quote
  #3357  
Old 23-06-2017, 15:26
Jan Steer's Avatar
Jan Steer Jan Steer is offline
Rear-Admiral
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Cilgerran, Pembrokeshire, Wales.
Posts: 1,198
Default Re: Funnies??

Fascinating stuff Jim. I live in sheep country and I know that they need a fair amount of care so am I correct in assuming that grandfather was a shepherd before the war?
__________________
Best Wishes
Jan Steer
Reply With Quote
  #3358  
Old 23-06-2017, 16:39
jbryce1437's Avatar
jbryce1437 jbryce1437 is offline
Forum Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Roker, Sunderland, England
Posts: 8,539
Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jan Steer View Post
Fascinating stuff Jim. I live in sheep country and I know that they need a fair amount of care so am I correct in assuming that grandfather was a shepherd before the war?
No Jan, he was a shipyard rivetter, but he was the only one the hat would fit.

Jim
__________________
Old Ships: Raleigh 1963, Collingwood 63, Ark Royal 64, Collingwood 67, Undaunted 68, Porstmouth FMG 70, Exmouth 72, Victory 1974 as JEM, EM, OEM, LOEM, POOEL. Then 28 years in the Fire Service
Reply With Quote
  #3359  
Old Yesterday, 10:32
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
Vice-Admiral
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,930
Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, Shipmates, my ears are twitching ...............

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
*
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Edna
Reply With Quote
  #3360  
Old Yesterday, 13:57
limeybiker's Avatar
limeybiker limeybiker is offline
Rear-Admiral
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ocala Florida
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Funnies??

Subject: Fwd: Microsoft vs. Ford
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
__________________
Ride safe
Barry
<>
Sunny Ocala FLA USA
http://www.barrylockyer.com/





Reply With Quote
  #3361  
Old Today, 11:34
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
Vice-Admiral
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,930
Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you Barry; food for thought ? ? ?

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison.

Edna
Reply With Quote
Reply



Ship Search by Name : Advanced Search
Random Timeline Entry : 11th January 1931 : HMS Bulldog : Sailed Skiathos

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
RCN Signal Funnies from the Second World War Harley Canadian Ships and Crews 12 18-11-2014 17:05


All times are GMT. The time now is 17:18.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.