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  #3501  
Old 28-09-2017, 13:11
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Sadly Edna a Myth.
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  #3502  
Old 29-09-2017, 14:57
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

So one would believe, but, as it said "Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared."

Edna
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  #3503  
Old 30-09-2017, 10:29
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Saturday: a few one-liners .............


Funny Quotes and Thoughts

1. "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

2. "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

3. "If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

4. "Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

5. "A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

Edna
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  #3504  
Old 30-09-2017, 16:12
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding. Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up
and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle. They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter.

"Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"


Johnny speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate to have a dance with the bride.

So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy the groom
didn't take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the *****!!!"

"Right in the *****?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt."

Johnny says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"
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  #3505  
Old 01-10-2017, 11:22
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Ooooh Barry ! Thank you

Now, a simple Sunday special ................

Eye Trouble

A four year old got her daddy out of bed early one Saturday morning.

As he was fixing her breakfast she asked, "Why do you have one eye open and one eye closed"?

Her father looked at her and smiled as he said, "I'm still half asleep."

Edna
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  #3506  
Old 02-10-2017, 07:27
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Default Re: Funnies??

You’ll be fine,” the doctor said after finishing the young woman’s surgery. But, she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?” The surgeon seemed to grimace and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek.

The girl was alarmed.

“What’s the matter doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
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  #3507  
Old 02-10-2017, 10:49
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you very much. I love it!

Funny Quotes and Thoughts chapter 2 ......................

6. "Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"

7. "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

8. "The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

9. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

10. "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

Edna
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  #3508  
Old 03-10-2017, 10:20
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

What about chapter 3 ?

Funny Quotes and Thoughts

11. "When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum."

12. "Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

13. "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week."

14. "Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment."

15. "They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer."

16. "Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."

17. "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order"

18. "When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

19. "Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."

20. "When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?"

Edna
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  #3509  
Old 04-10-2017, 11:01
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Now What about chapter 4 ?

Funny Quotes and Thoughts

21. "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

22. "There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side."

23. "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

24. "Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished. "

25. "Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

26. "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. "

27. "We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse."

28. "It's always darkest before dawn ~ So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

29. "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office"

30. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

Edna
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  #3510  
Old 04-10-2017, 19:23
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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A story for this our time. And this lady tells all.

The Eleventh Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” Said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, my first husband was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
My second husband was in software services; he was never sure how it really was suppose to function; but he said that he would look into it and get back to me.
My third husband was from field services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process, but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… Lord, I miss him.
But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!”
“Wonderful,” said her husband, “But why?”
“You’re with the government. This time I know I'll get screwed!”
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  #3511  
Old 05-10-2017, 10:54
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Not entirely new, Barry, but still very funny !

While we have time enough to study .............

To the point . . . .

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~~~
Edna
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  #3512  
Old 05-10-2017, 15:43
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Old Blonde Joke.

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
When the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, the blonde shouts . . . "You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little git on your lap."
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  #3513  
Old 06-10-2017, 16:46
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks Barry- nice to know they are still there !

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.*
*
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."*

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"*
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.*

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.*

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."*

Edna
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  #3514  
Old 07-10-2017, 01:34
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy named Don McPherson, who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Don McPherson, retired American Airline pilot from Palm Springs CA.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to, the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Don goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man, Don, was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.

'When you preached - people slept. When Don flew, people prayed...'
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  #3515  
Old 07-10-2017, 10:29
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Barry, thank you, I love it !

A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
*
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"**
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.*
"Well, did God make me?" asks the girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.*
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Edna
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  #3516  
Old 09-10-2017, 12:08
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Start the week well ...............

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.*
*
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.*
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.*
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."*
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."*
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Edna
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  #3517  
Old 10-10-2017, 11:04
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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This from a knitting friend - apologies for the Upper Case, just as it came!

It is so unusual to get a funny, non political, non sexist, non racist, and non doomsday message, that I wanted to make your day by sending this along! I think you'll enjoy it.

THE POTTY...

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS, "OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

ENJOY LIFE NOW...IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE

Edna
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  #3518  
Old 12-10-2017, 11:43
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Not a blonde, but something allied ..........

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door
and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She has a roll of plush Red
fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday'.

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

If you don't send this to five friends right away,
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

So there you are - as they say ! !

Edna
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  #3519  
Old 14-10-2017, 11:19
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

Let's start the weekend with some old-fashioned quickies ............

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
..................
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood and thought I’d come over.
.................
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?

Edna
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  #3520  
Old 15-10-2017, 11:53
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Sunday special - Makeover Blonde ?

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes.
*
One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.*
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"*
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".**
"Wow!" said the herder.*
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.*
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".*
"What is it?" queried the woman.*
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Edna
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  #3521  
Old 15-10-2017, 16:37
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My favoiurite Knock knock joke from my grandson when he was ten fifteen years ago.

knock knock,
who's there,
little boy!
little boy who!
little boy who can't reach the bell.!!
\
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
what time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner
is cold and I'm not reheating it. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that
her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after
all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet..

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said..

He whirled around and screamed:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN......DON'T YOU EVER STOP ???
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  #3522  
Old 16-10-2017, 10:56
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Oh, Barry, whatever next ! Thank you.

New, the return of the blonde ..................

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.*
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.*
The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York."*
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”*
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.*
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.*
She immediately got up and said, "okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.*
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.*
He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."

Edna
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  #3523  
Old 17-10-2017, 11:36
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Something a little different ................

*A little old English Spinster Lady.......

.......died.

Her family paid for a beautiful burial.

Then there was the reading of her will as she was quite well off.

The Lawyer reading the will, stressed that she wanted a Marble Headstone, with her full name on it, BUT, even though she had never married, she did not want the word "Miss" on her headstone.

Why asked the Family?

The lawyer replied:-
>
>
"She told me that she had not "missed" as much as many people believed!!"

Edna
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  #3524  
Old 18-10-2017, 11:05
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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They used to call in "time and motion" ..........

The toothpaste factory had a problem

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside.

This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people.

They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality.

Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.

The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.

He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.

He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

Edna
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Old 19-10-2017, 11:10
Ednamay Ednamay is online now
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
Posts: 1,966
Default Re: Funnies??

A bit long - but as it came !

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.... I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids .

Edna
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