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  #3376  
Old 07-07-2017, 14:00
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks, Alick, much appreciated !

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a*see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches*a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!*
*
The teenager yells back: "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it's just not appropriate...*
The grandmother says: "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets
*

Edna

Last edited by Ednamay : 07-07-2017 at 14:05. Reason: delete double entry
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  #3377  
Old 07-07-2017, 16:16
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al1934 al1934 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

****************************** ****************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," say's the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

****************************** ****************************** *************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."

****************************** ****************************** ************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

****************************** *************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no
paper on this side either!"
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  #3378  
Old 08-07-2017, 10:56
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, Alick - you've been collecting !

Saturday
A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.*
*
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"*

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"**
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No - think of another wish."*

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."*

The genie said, "You want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"*

Edna
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  #3379  
Old 09-07-2017, 11:25
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Sunday special ...........

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."*
*
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."*
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."*
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."*
"Coming up," said the bartender.*
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."*
"Coming right up," the bartender said.*
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"*
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Edna
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  #3380  
Old 09-07-2017, 18:57
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price".
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  #3381  
Old 10-07-2017, 10:21
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks Barry - and speaking of price ..........

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.*
*
He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person:*"how much for one of*those Barbies in the display window?"*
The salesperson returns:*"which one do you mean, Sir?
We have*Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie*for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95."
The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?"*
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir, the other Barbies*only come with an outfit.*Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."

Edna
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  #3382  
Old 11-07-2017, 11:33
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Just to keep us going .............

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
*
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."*

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,*

"Will I be acquitted?"*

Edna
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  #3383  
Old 11-07-2017, 15:31
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phill rose phill rose is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Coupled with the fact that the Fleet Air Arm attracted all the best pilots and the Army always won inter-service regattas, a once popular forces T-shirt logo read: 'Fly Navy.Sail Army. Walk Sideways!'

Another more plausible explanation as to why the RN refer to the RAF as 'crabs' goes back to the days of rum, sodomy and the lash (about last week in fact). One of the more unsavoury aspects of the average matelot was his unfortunate habit of contracting pubic lice or "crabs" during his shore leave. The treatment for this condition was to get a chum or shipmate to apply a liberal application of a greasy blue/grey ointment (known affectionately as "crab fat") to the affected area. The proper name for the ointment was Blue Unction.

With the RN's usual powers of wit and sophistication the RAF were thereafter referred to as 'crab fats' (or crabs for short) as their blue/grey uniform was exactly the same colour as the stuff that the filthy little ratings rubbed on their swollen and lice-ravaged goolies. The RAF by contrast affectionately refer to the Royal Navy as Bum Boys or Fish Heads. The Army are Pongos, Brown Jobs or Grunts
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  #3384  
Old 11-07-2017, 21:39
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Vegaskip Vegaskip is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by phill rose View Post
Coupled with the fact that the Fleet Air Arm attracted all the best pilots and the Army always won inter-service regattas, a once popular forces T-shirt logo read: 'Fly Navy.Sail Army. Walk Sideways!'

Another more plausible explanation as to why the RN refer to the RAF as 'crabs' goes back to the days of rum, sodomy and the lash (about last week in fact). One of the more unsavoury aspects of the average matelot was his unfortunate habit of contracting pubic lice or "crabs" during his shore leave. The treatment for this condition was to get a chum or shipmate to apply a liberal application of a greasy blue/grey ointment (known affectionately as "crab fat") to the affected area. The proper name for the ointment was Blue Unction.

With the RN's usual powers of wit and sophistication the RAF were thereafter referred to as 'crab fats' (or crabs for short) as their blue/grey uniform was exactly the same colour as the stuff that the filthy little ratings rubbed on their swollen and lice-ravaged goolies. The RAF by contrast affectionately refer to the Royal Navy as Bum Boys or Fish Heads. The Army are Pongos, Brown Jobs or Grunts
Thus we have 'The Crimson Crabs' Aerobatic Display Team
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  #3385  
Old 12-07-2017, 11:02
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Gentlemen, I shudder ! ! !

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.*
"Well, she asked*me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the bl*dy difference?'*
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"*
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my p***s??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"What the bl**dy hell was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I bl**dy said!"

Edna
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  #3386  
Old 14-07-2017, 14:12
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Looking back in my little list, I found ........

Glasgow*Nicknames
*
Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:*

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.*

Norrie Two Bonnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.*

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).*

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '*

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.*

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.*

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'*

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.*

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.*

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.*

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..*

The Yeti - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.*

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'*

The Olympic Flame - He never goes out *

Edna
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  #3387  
Old 15-07-2017, 11:35
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Saturday Special ............


In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.*
*
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.*
*
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.*

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.*



As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'*

Edna
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  #3388  
Old 16-07-2017, 11:16
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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And Sunday comes round again ...............

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.*
*
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."*
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.*

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.*
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.*
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
*
Edna
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  #3389  
Old 17-07-2017, 11:52
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Let's start the week with another blonde .............

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.*
*
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."*

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.*

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Edna
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  #3390  
Old 17-07-2017, 15:22
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ceylon220 ceylon220 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A friend of mine was on his death bed and he was discussing his funeral and how he wanted it carried out "No flowers-only the family to attend--to be buried and not cremated and no one to wear black"---- "ok Tom we have got all that down everything except what hymns /songs do you want played?" "Yes there is, I want "Wake me up before you go go"
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  #3391  
Old 18-07-2017, 10:39
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thanks, shipmate, contributions welcome.

The first testicular guard, the “cup” was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important ........

Edna
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  #3392  
Old 18-07-2017, 14:29
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phill rose phill rose is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Ah, but that would depend on where we think men keep their brains.
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  #3393  
Old 19-07-2017, 10:47
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phill rose View Post
Ah, but that would depend on where we think men keep their brains.
Well, now, Phill ............. Thank you

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'*
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'*
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'*
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.*
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.*
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Edna
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  #3394  
Old 19-07-2017, 15:53
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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The wedding .....
A father texts his son:


"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"


His Father replies:
"I know."

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse his wife, his daughter and two sons, were with him.

He asked for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all was ready he began to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slipped away, the nurse said, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replied, "The asshole had a paper route."
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Last edited by limeybiker : 19-07-2017 at 16:57.
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  #3395  
Old 20-07-2017, 10:54
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Oh, Barry, thank you, that brings us down to earth !

Another 'reality' ..........

Have you checked your kids.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks

kind of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.

Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.

So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there

Edna

Last edited by Ednamay : 20-07-2017 at 10:54. Reason: Typo
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  #3396  
Old 20-07-2017, 13:30
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Nice One Edna
Before you read, it wasn't me.

Elderly Floridian
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."
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  #3397  
Old 21-07-2017, 15:06
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Barry, thank you, but it has been going the rounds !

How do you like this one ? ? ?

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

Edna
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  #3398  
Old 21-07-2017, 21:43
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jbryce1437 jbryce1437 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

My old shipmate just rang me in tears.
His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the Sky HD box
Poor soul.

No woman, no sky!
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  #3399  
Old 22-07-2017, 10:50
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Jim, commiserations ! (I think)

This is a new take on an old one from 2015 ..........

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."*
*
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the*Scotsmen retort*in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."*
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."*
The Scotsmen reply*angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"*
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
~~~~~~~

You know Essex girls, they have a wide knowledge.

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.
Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy. She's dealing with the two blokes in the Fiat Uno".

Edna
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Old 22-07-2017, 13:28
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phill rose phill rose is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Cowplain
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Default Re: Funnies??

Heart Warming Story

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
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