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  #3276  
Old 17-04-2017, 16:19
limeybiker's Avatar
limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Location: Ocala Florida
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Default Re: Funnies??

Nesting Falcon

This photo of a nesting Falcon in an old tree is the
most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen.

Please send this to most of your older friends, since the younger
ones probably have never seen a Falcon, and wouldn't recognize it.

http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
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  #3277  
Old 18-04-2017, 10:56
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Location: On the outskirts of Sandown, Isle of Wight
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Default Re: Funnies??

Barry, that's a funny and a half - thank you!

Now,a little different ...............

This Bar Offers Super Cheap Food and Drinks
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender*and asks for his favorite premium beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent."
"One single penny?!" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny."
As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender.
"But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Edna
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  #3278  
Old 21-04-2017, 10:40
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Let's get ourselves back together ........

Joke: Hello from the Other Side
Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"Benny...Benny..."

"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". 


"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Edna
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  #3279  
Old 22-04-2017, 09:57
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quiet weekend ?

Jokes About Getting Older

There's no joke like an old joke, and these are jokes about being old. Everyone knows that seniors have the best sense of humor. They've seen a lot more than most, and they know that at the end of the day, there's nothing better than family, friends and laughter!
*
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me.'*
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.*
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewed a 104-year-old woman.*
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.*
'No peer pressure.'

Edna
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  #3280  
Old 23-04-2017, 11:44
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

One of my knitting friends has sent me the following:-

Here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....
Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Really ? ? ?

Edna
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  #3281  
Old 24-04-2017, 11:46
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Am I ploughing a lonely furrow ?

What Do I Look Like to You, Honey?

A married*couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.*
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a*handyman. He*said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake*or sleep with him."
"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you*make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"

Edna
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  #3282  
Old 24-04-2017, 12:06
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Marius_B Marius_B is offline
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Thumbs up Re: Funnies??

Some great 'uns here!! Keep them coming.
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  #3283  
Old 24-04-2017, 12:46
johnny07 johnny07 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A zebra died and when he arrived at the pearly gates he said to St. Peter please help me with something that has worried me all my life. Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes. Only God can answer that so you will have to ask him. When he found God he asked him the same question to which God replied you are what you are. The zebra went back to the gates and informed St. Peter what Gods answer was. Well there you are you are white.
Why is that said the zebra, well if you were black God would have said you is what you is.
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  #3284  
Old 25-04-2017, 10:34
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Marius, Welcome, come again - and Johnny, I don't believe it ...............

“Lexophilia " is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Edna
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  #3285  
Old 26-04-2017, 10:21
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

“Lexophilia " is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." - here, a few more .........

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Give someone an inch and they might think they're a ruler.

And the cream of the twisted crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Edna
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  #3286  
Old Yesterday, 10:23
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Couldn't resist this one .....

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
“Congratulations on your new location!”

Edna
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  #3287  
Old Yesterday, 13:29
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limeybiker limeybiker is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Apologies if we have had this before, I know I have, but it is still funny and appropriate to our Forum.

A young Naval officer was severely wounded in the head by a flight deck
accident, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears
were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in
the Navy.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Rear Admiral. He was,
however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates
for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Marine Major, a helicopter pilot, and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, 'Do you
notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that
you have no ears.'
The Admiral was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The Admiral
then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about
me?'

He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The Admiral also
threw him out.

The third interview was with an old Master Chief, an Airdale and
staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed
to know more than the two officers combined. The Admiral liked this
guy, and went ahead with the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?'

To his surprise the Master Chief said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The Admiral was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant
NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, Master Chief, how do you
know I wear contacts?'

Well, sir,' the salty old Master Chief replied, "it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no ears!
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  #3288  
Old Yesterday, 21:10
johnny07 johnny07 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

A man was walking past a house when he saw a sign Talking dog for sale.
He went up to the house to ask about the dog and the owner told him it was in the garden and to go and see it if he wanted to. The man went into the garden where he saw a little Jack Russel. Can you really talk he said,yes I can said the dog, so tell me your story he said. Well I realised that I could talk when I was very young and I wanted to help the government so I joined the SAS. I was sent all over the world sitting in with spies, government leaders and heads of state as no one would think that a dog would understand what they were saying. This was very exhausting work and I had to give it up after 8 years.
I retired from the special forces with loads of medals and became a civilian.
I soon got bored and joined the security staff at Heathrow Airport as a sniffer dog. I was involved in many arrests over the years locating drugs and guns and explosives. I was getting old so I retired for good, had a couple of puppies and settled down. The man was so impressed he offered to buy the dog right away. How much do you want for him he said. Ten pounds said the owner. Ten pounds, why are you letting him go so cheaply, he's amazing.
No he isn't said the owner, he's a lying little bastard who's never even been outside the garden.
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