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  #3576  
Old 05-12-2017, 12:29
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Must keep up to date ............. and be very PC ...............

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.*
You know how sometimes you just get so*stressed that little things seem funny?*
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a dwarf!*
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'*
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Edna
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  #3577  
Old 06-12-2017, 05:49
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BlackBat242 BlackBat242 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ednamay View Post
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'*
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Edna
Grumpy, of course!
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  #3578  
Old 06-12-2017, 12:14
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, BlackBat ! All comments appreciated !

Now, a different driver ...............

A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

Edna
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  #3579  
Old 07-12-2017, 12:17
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

All ready for Friday ..............

It seems familiar, though I don't think we have had it before - if we have, think Senior Moment !

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
*
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck*up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiled, put*a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"

Edna
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  #3580  
Old 08-12-2017, 16:19
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Make haste ? ? ?

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
*
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.*
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.*
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."
Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

Edna
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  #3581  
Old 09-12-2017, 12:02
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

This is just as it came to me from a knitting friend in USA ..........

"Please don't get your knickers in a knot over this, all that does is make you walk funny.

AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And.....
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles"

Edna
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  #3582  
Old 10-12-2017, 06:57
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BlackBat242 BlackBat242 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ednamay View Post
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles"

Edna
No - most of the top-level people in Washington used to play marbles - but have long since lost all of them.
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  #3583  
Old 10-12-2017, 12:37
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackBat242 View Post
No - most of the top-level people in Washington used to play marbles - but have long since lost all of them.
Thank you, BlackBat, I like it ! Sounds very logical !
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  #3584  
Old 10-12-2017, 17:12
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jbryce1437 jbryce1437 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

The old jokes are the best:

A duck walks into a bar.
"Got any bread?"
"No"


"Got any bread?"
"No"


"Got any bread?"
"No...and if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar"


"Got any nails?"
"No"



"Got any bread?"
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  #3585  
Old 11-12-2017, 12:06
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Thank you, Jim, much appreciated !

Now, Different animals ? ?

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to SeaWorld.”
Or at least he thought it was simple!

Edna
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  #3586  
Old 13-12-2017, 11:39
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Education ? ? ?

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, their insight might surprise you:

1. Don’t change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

Edna
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  #3587  
Old 14-12-2017, 11:31
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Staggering onwards ...................

Get Out of My Bar . . . . . .

There was once a woman who was in a bar, terribly drunk.

The bartender noticed this, and when she asked for another beer, the bartender politely told her that she was too drunk to be served another drink.

The woman leaves.

She walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer.

A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.

The woman leaves.

She then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.

The bartender is annoyed, and tells the woman she is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar.

She leaves.

She then comes in the back door, comes to the bartender, and before she can say a word, the bartender explodes at her.

“I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!”

Disgruntled, the woman looks at the bartender and asks, “Man, how many bars do you work at?”

Edna
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  #3588  
Old 16-12-2017, 11:11
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

This sounds familiar, so we may have had it before - if so, apologies !

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b*****d………... He's never been out of the garden!"

Edna
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  #3589  
Old 17-12-2017, 13:08
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

I don't think I posted this before, but it seemed very familiar - perhaps someone else posted it ?

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck*up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiled, put*a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"

Edna
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  #3590  
Old 18-12-2017, 01:59
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BlackBat242 BlackBat242 is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ednamay View Post
I don't think I posted this before, but it seemed very familiar - perhaps someone else posted it ?

Edna
You yourself posted it just 10 days ago in this very thread.
http://www.worldnavalships.com/forum...postcount=3579
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  #3591  
Old 18-12-2017, 11:32
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackBat242 View Post
You yourself posted it just 10 days ago in this very thread.
http://www.worldnavalships.com/forum...postcount=3579
Thanks - you know what I said about Senior Moments ...................

Edna
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  #3592  
Old 18-12-2017, 11:38
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Same proviso ........... seems familiar ! !

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.*
*
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase*home.*

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.*



In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost*and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.*

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time".*


The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"*
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"*

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."*

Edna
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  #3593  
Old 19-12-2017, 12:34
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Naughty, naughty ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Chet, the Christmas Carol Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?"
The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held the match under the parrot's right foot.
Chet's tune changed, with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet cleared his throat, and belted out: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

MERRY CHRISTMAS to one and all!!

Edna
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  #3594  
Old 21-12-2017, 15:26
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Marius_B Marius_B is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

From the horse's mouth ....

"We’ve got 13 ships out right now around the globe making sure Britain’s presence is felt and making sure Britain is safe, and we’re going to continue to deploy ships".

Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson
(Forces Network 20-12-2017)

Nice to know, nothing to worry about then.
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  #3595  
Old 22-12-2017, 07:53
yzxy yzxy is online now
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Default Re: Funnies??

CRICKET

Two old men in white coats walk slowly on to a large field, each carrying three long sticks and two short ones.

The old man each set their three sticks upright, 22 yards apart, and balance the two short sticks horizontally on the top of them.

When they are satisfied with the alignment of these creations, they turn and look at twenty-two younger men who are milling about on the edge of the field.

Then it rains.
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  #3596  
Old 22-12-2017, 12:12
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by yzxy View Post
CRICKET

Two old men in white coats walk slowly on to a large field, each carrying three long sticks and two short ones.

The old man each set their three sticks upright, 22 yards apart, and balance the two short sticks horizontally on the top of them.

When they are satisfied with the alignment of these creations, they turn and look at twenty-two younger men who are milling about on the edge of the field.

Then it rains.
yzxy Thank you - I understand that is what the African witch doctor reported back to his tribe, after a fact-finding mission to Britain ................. !
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  #3597  
Old 22-12-2017, 12:13
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marius_B View Post
From the horse's mouth ....

"We’ve got 13 ships out right now around the globe making sure Britain’s presence is felt and making sure Britain is safe, and we’re going to continue to deploy ships".

Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson
(Forces Network 20-12-2017)

Nice to know, nothing to worry about then.
Thank you, Marius, reassuring ? ? ?
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  #3598  
Old 22-12-2017, 12:17
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Car Trouble for the Three Friends...
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.*
*
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory."*With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.*


Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. *He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."*

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. *"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. *The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"*

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.*
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood...*

The pig and the cow.

Edna
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  #3599  
Old 24-12-2017, 12:45
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

Pride goeth before a fall ?

Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring. To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could spend the rest of his life.
**
After many months of searching on every continent, Adam came to a small farm in Switzerland and asked to stay there. The widowed farmer warmly brought Adam home and introduced him to his three daughters.
When they entered the room, Adam was astonished by their beauty ... Each of the three daughters of the farmer was extraordinarily beautiful, and Adam decided that one of them would be his intended wife.

In the evening he told the farmer about his plans, and the happy father agreed that Adam would go on a date with each of his daughters to choose the one he liked best.
After meeting her first daughter, Adam approached her father and said: "She is really beautiful, but she has slightly crooked toes, it's barely noticeable, but she is not for me."

The father only shook his head, and the next evening Adam went out to meet his second daughter. When they returned, he told her father: "She is really beautiful but has a barely noticeable lazy eye, so she is not for me."


On the third evening, Adam went out with the third daughter and when he returned he said to the father, "She's perfect, she's all I was looking for and I have to marry her right away!"
The wedding was planned quickly, and a few months later, Adam’s long-awaited firstborn was born.The new father came into the hospital room expecting to see his perfect offspring and was shocked when he saw that his child was hairy, ugly and not at all like him.
"How can it be???" he said to his father in law, standing next to him, "His mother and I are so beautiful!"
"Well," replied the father in law, "she's beautiful, but she was a bit pregnant when you met... really, barely noticeable..."

Edna
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  #3600  
Old 25-12-2017, 12:31
Ednamay Ednamay is offline
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Default Re: Funnies??

According to my records, I submitted this Christmas story in 2012, but I am sure it bears repeating for the season !

wnsf 27.06.2012
Subject: Fw: RETARDED GRANDPARENTS...

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a cubby house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the cubby house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the cubby house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too!

Edna
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